The sensuous woman
She’s usually blonde by choice and runs to fat if she doesn’t diet scrupulously: difficult, because she does really like food. She’s sensitive – her skin marks easily: bruises, weals, bumps and hives come and go. Dress-wise she goes to extremes: either buttoning up, or lots of cleavage – the first because she fears that the slightest touch might set her off, the second because she’s given up and what the hell. She falls in love with rotters, weeps and laughs easily, and (oddly) doesn’t care much about orgasms so long as there are lots of cuddles. Drink and drugs can be her downfall. Her tights are often laddered, and she doesn’t notice moth holes.
The competent woman
She’s the one who takes out a gym subscription and actually makes use of it. She goes jogging wearing the right shoes. Her house is clean and tidy, and so is she. If her body doesn’t please her she’ll save up for cosmetic surgery until it does. She has a budget and keeps to it. She’s good in bed, if a little unemotional, but sex ends in orgasms. She falls in love with the right man, but they may stay partnered rather than get married because divorce is so expensive. She’s in the right job, having chosen the right course to lead to it and passed all her exams. Employers adore her: she’s reliable (as she is with her child care) and turns up on time. She was a joy to her parents, though she might well have gone wild for a couple of teenage years. She inspires awe in men and women both and is a loyal friend.
The celebrity-style woman [a ‘competent woman’ variant]
Born with good enough legs and looks, such a woman may choose to become a trophy wife, mistress, a lady-who-lunches. Don’t think these are easy options: it’s hard work. She’s ambitious, self-sufficient, and not prone to falling in love. She’ll marry to advantage and to please the paparazzi. She’ll choose her friends because they’re useful, dump them when they are not. She’s impatient of male folly. She has voyeuristic and exhibitionist tendencies: orgasms easily, finds vibrators more satisfactory than men, has children to improve her image. She’s to be found in all walks of life, not just in high society or the columns of the Daily Mail (her wardrobe is designed to malfunction), but in clubs and pubs throughout the land. She is lucky if she dies young since her old age will not be happy.
The career woman
What’s love got to do with it? Her life is in the office. She likes, and needs, to have a boyfriend and/or husband to take to parties and share the rent. She is well turned out and keeps abreast of the fashion. She wakes early with a start and gets going. She eats lunch at her desk. She works late and is not above stabbing work rivals in the back. She is not afraid of public speaking, not caring much what others think of her. She is brave and forthright. She fakes orgasm. She rises to the top. If she has children – she often doesn’t – she takes care to employ a responsible mother substitute, or marries a stay-at-home Dad and loves him as she would another child. Her parents had high hopes of her which she has fulfilled. She visits them quite often, and needs them: having it all can be quite exhausting.
The born mother
Probably 25% of all women. Lucky the man who marries her – initially. She is not the eye-candy type but was probably the first among her school friends to marry. She is nice, kind and reassuring, prefers foreplay to consummation, may have trouble conceiving (oddly enough) and is wretched until she does. She is the self-sacrificing, placating, your-need-is-greater than-mine kind, loves to cook and serve and make the house cosy. The first thing she says to her husband when handing him the newborn is ‘Careful, don’t drop it.’ She doesn’t insist on equal parenting but her husband often wanders off to another’s arms because she has fallen in love with the baby and gone off sex. She’s a lovely mother to come home to, tea on the table and bedtime stories; but if she has to go out to earn hates every minute of it – in case her children are suffering. She is not at ease in ease in today’s society. She spends a lot of time on Mumsnet.
The cat woman
Let the happily-partnered beware an encounter with one of these. She’s the quiet one in the corner at parties. She may not seem any kind of threat, but she is. She prowls around looking for another woman’s men to father her children, and if he has a house to raise them in she’ll take that too. She comes across sweet and nice, and a trifle helpless: she’s generous in sex and men will want to look after her. She’ll steal the sperm she needs and the house they want. She’s seductive and purrs: like a cat, she loves comfort, curling up in front of someone else’s fire. She’s the woman who compulsively sleeps with married men; in childhood she loved her fathers and despised her mothers, and now goes through life successfully stealing father substitutes.
Most of us have only a bit of each, thank the Lord.