Myths of modern women: 1

What drove me to feminism fifty years ago was the myth that men were the breadwinners and women kept house and looked pretty.

Male work colleague to me: You mustn’t take promotion. It’s taking the bread out of a working man’s mouth.

Female Tax inspector to me: But you’re a married woman. What you earn is seen by us as pin money.

That myth finally exploded, and I helped explode it. But new myths have grown up, seeded like dragon’s teeth from where the debris fell. All of them comforting, all of them self congratulatory, all of then false. It’s taken me a long time to see them for what they are. God, I’ve been complacent! The facts of the matter are so different from the hopes of the matter.

Modern Myth No 1: That today’s women can choose whether or not to have babies. Hooey! Women have access to contraceptives, abortion, morning-after pills, but only if they are savvy enough to organise and keep a doctor’s appointment to stop nature taking its course. A whole lot of women are not that savvy. The only foolproof way (you being the fool) not to have a baby is not to have sex, and who’s going to opt for that? You don’t ‘choose’ to have a baby: it just takes a lot of actual work not to have one. I had four babies and not a single one was planned, and I’m – supposedly – one of the savvy ones.

Modern Myth No 2: That the advent of the Pill was great boon for women. Lots of carefree sex. Whee! But it was a double-edged sword. Women were now seen as the ones responsible for contraception. Pre-pill, it was the man. If he made you pregnant, he either had to run off or else he married you, if only at the point of a shot-gun. He took good care not to make you pregnant. Sex was more about foreplay than fruition and partners were chosen more carefully.

Modern Myth No 3: That today’s woman can choose whether to get married (or otherwise partnered) or not to. Come off it! The pool of Mr Rights waiting to be caught is no wider than it ever was. There’s just a whole lot more fish in it unwilling to ‘commit’. She goes on for years looking for true love and status; he’s looking more immediately for someone young and pretty to look after (and the more educated a girl is, the better she’s going to be at looking after herself). In her twenties she’ll be too picky for him, in her thirties too needy, in her forties too bossy and how about all those younger women looking wistfully up at him? But living alone is not the penalty it used to be. With social media for company she can live a free and happy life without him (which may be a comforting myth, too).

Modern Myth No 4: That today’s mother can choose to go to work or to be a stay-at-home mum. Of course she can’t; unless she’s rich, or lives with a man who is. At the time women entered the labour market with such cries of feminist delight, one male wage was enough to keep a family. No more. Most mothers in our new society live lives of quiet desperation, trying to make ends meet, juggling work and family, torn between the demands of employer, partner, children. A woman can look after two out of the three satisfactorily, but not all three. Something has to give, and usually does. Often the love life.

Five more myths next week.

Modern Myth No 5: That today’s woman can choose whether to get married (or otherwise partnered) or not to. Come off it! The pool of Mr Rights waiting to be caught is no wider than it ever was. There’s just a whole lot more fish in it unwilling to ‘commit’. She goes on for years looking for true love and status; he’s looking more immediately for someone young and pretty to look after (and the more educated a girl is, the better she’s going to be at looking after herself). In her twenties she’ll be too picky for him, in her thirties too needy, in her forties too bossy and how about all those younger women looking wistfully up at him? But living alone is not the penalty it used to be. With social media for company she can live a free and happy life without him (which may be a comforting myth, too).